Week 8: Let it Go vs Let it Be

I am a "Planner." This trait is also a double edged sword. When I make I plan, I begin by researching options. I like to look at all perspectives and possibilities. The time I spend "wondering" what is out there can be inspiring as I muse upon the new, untraveled paths that appear. It can also lead to both overwhelm and anxiety as I try to create the best possible outcome.

I've been noticing that when I set out on a goal.....sometimes I get lost in the details, and suddenly find a new, bigger and more impressive fantasy of how i will achieve it. There is nothing wrong with that......until I promptly attach myself to the idea that it's the ONLY possibly way that I can feel satisfied, devote my energy to that end, and create the idea that anything different is somehow a disappointment or failure to mourn. Comparison, perfectionism, scarcity, and a prominent inner critic are all traits I know well.

I began re-listening to Pema Chodron's "Embracing the Unknown" while driving around this week. In today's "Driving Dharma Talk" I was struck by her explanation of "Letting Be" vs. "Letting Go" of our attachments. Letting Go is another sort of suffering we place on ourselves as we make a great effort of prying our metaphorical fingers from whatever it is we wish to detach. There can be an anticipatory grief before separation, as well as judgement for not "getting over" our negative feelings.

Letting be, however, means giving space for these emotions without judgement listening to them and learning from them. Our emotions become our teachers vs. our prison guards. In my case, If I examine my perfectionism and pursuit of achievement, I have developed a strong work ethic, the ability to recognize innovation and consider what could be, as well as the confidence from past experience that what I have to offer the world, through skills, talents, ideas, or connection with others, has inherent value.

So as I set my intention, this week, to hold space for my messy emotions, and recognize I'm having a human experience, here's this week's progress:

1. Developing My Yoga Practice, both as a student and teacher: In my focus on Satya, this month, I am working on being honest with myself without judgement. Some family obligations meant that my practice looked like listening to dharma talk in the car while driving back and forth out of state, and working on giving myself and others grace as "life happens." Yes, when I feel shame that maybe this isn't enough, that's really an indication that I'm seeking connection with myself, no matter what form it takes and that's a good thing. All the same, I was grateful to join an asana class given by a friend, as well as my time leading practice with students twice this week.
   

2. Decluttering and clearing space- I had the opportunity to find boxes of photos and papers from my childhood. This included treasures like my kindergarten report cards, and a letter to the Queen of England I had written when I was 7, inviting myself over for tea in anticipation of a family trip to the UK that summer. (Remember what I wrote about planning earlier? I suspect this is where it started!) I also found a file of apology letters I had written (usually as a punishment ) that were bittersweet, and somewhat painful to read as I began to see patterns of shame and ever growing negative self talk throughout my developmental years.
   

1. I also found letters from adults seeing potential areas where they thought I needed academic or social support, along with written arguments about avoiding labels, and merely needing an "old school" approach to learning discipline and hard work. I found validation that some of the ways I struggled to focus or connect with my peers really weren't entirely my fault as I had been taught to believe. Some things (like the first letter) I kept . The rest, I felt the need to burn, while sitting with my childhood self, and giving her the unconditional compassion and reassurance that she was enough then, and she is enough now.

2. Building a professional practice in Thai Massage- I had my first client downtown today!

3. Advocating for and marketing myself- I had a music parent keep pushing to makeup music lessons for which they were absent. ( I usually am willing to offer 1-2 lessons per semester IF there is a cancelation, and this has been part of the studio policy for years. All of the teachers have been continuously repeating and re-teaching this!) I have had ongoing and transparent dialogue with them, and even showed them my record of openings for makeups. (there really aren't any last minute cancelations in my schedule that have suddenly opened this month!) They kept pushing and hinting that maybe I could come early (except the student wouldn't be out of school yet) or stay an extra 30 minutes later than my scheduled teaching hours. I am proud of myself for politely expressing that I do not work past 8pm in the evening.
   

4. Preparing for Cambodia- In one week I finished "First They Killed my Father" by Loung Ung. This is the memoir of a woman who experienced the Cambodian Genocide as a child from ages 5-9. The beginning of the book paints a picture of her early years in Phnom Penh, growing up in an educated, middle class family before the rise of the Khmer Rouge in 1975. It was extremely heavy to read emotionally. I had to pull my car over, while listening on audible after a few chapters, just to process parts of the narrative. I was horrified at what the author and her family experienced, as well as what many families had to do in an attempt just to survive, physically and mentally. Today, Loung Ung is a human rights activist, living in Ohio. She's only 12 years older than I am. From that calculation......anyone born in Cambodia over age 55 is a survivor. While that particular period of history is behind us, "objects in the review mirror are closer than they appear."