Week 7: Trust

I recently started looking over my personal writing from the past years, going back through college (on an old LiveJournal account) diaries, blogs, FB groups, social media etc. and noticing a pattern. Even when venting my thoughts and feelings ( and over-sharing which I have a tendency to do) I am often writing hoping for response and interaction, as if to seek approval, validation or "permission" for any choices I've had to make. I'm not going to judge that. Yes, it falls right in line with my path as a recovering people pleaser and my most frequent trauma response of fawning. It also has been helpful to receive perspective or in some cases expertise from people I trust.

I also know that when it comes to actually trusting myself, I continue to struggle. I have been recently sitting with the judgements and beliefs I've held about myself regarding my own personal sovereignty, leadership abilities, handling of finances, trustworthiness, authenticity, ability to love or have meaningful relationships and all around "adulting."

After reaching a milestone birthday this past year, I can't say I feel any more confident or sure of myself in these matters than I did as a kid, and feeling the pressure "make your family proud" and not to "be the screw-up" that was often discussed among my parents and those of my fellow high-acheiving peers, usually in front of us. I still struggle taking risks and fear failure and judgement. I have a pretty savage inner critic. She can be a spiteful, vicious, jealous and petty bitch. I regret that I've sometimes unleashed her on to others when feeling threatened in some way (including on students from my classroom years which was not ok.) I know from therapy that my critic (let's call her Tallulah) is serving her purpose as a part of my ego, and wants me to be "safe" but that is definitelynot the same as happy. In fact it's downright crippling, and can lead to plenty of other unhealthy coping mechanisms. (I've sampled my fair share of that buffet in search of seratonin)

I recently finished slowly reading and digesting Pema Chödröns "when things fall apart" over the past 6 months. This I had to put down and come back to several times. I felt quitecalled out. I especially related to the discussion of shenpa- or becoming attached or "hooked" to a pattern response when triggered. The first step is recognizing when you are. (That you're in your feelings, and triggered by them) .....and then pausing making a conscious choice to respond differently vs react.

It seems an over simplified answer in some respects. (And yes, Tallulah has a list of reasons why it couldn't possibly work). Just do something different. I'm working on seeing this as a muscle to be developed through training, or a slow re-routing of a river over time. I've noticed the times I'm still reacting vs responding. However the time it takes for this to occur after the fact is getting shorter. If the first part is recognizing where you are in your pattern I will still call that progress.

Meanwhile: here are the goals:

1. My Yoga and teaching practice

I feel like I've had the most growth here right now. Had 5 classes this week plus hosted a circle for the new moon. Small classes but positive feedback for the asana sequences and meditations I wrote and led.

In my own practice I got to my meditation cushion after hearing frustrating news on Saturday instead of spinning my wheels and ranting for the world to hear (and of course getting everyone to weigh in on it).

I called someone I trust with some expertise. They put me in contact with a few people who could actually help. Im trusting that there's a way to solve a problem and i dont need to control the timeline or outcome. the decisions im making without anyone'spermission and I'm grateful for those who are showing up to help.

2. Decluttering and creating space

Ok......the house needs to be picked up again. We've been busy and life has felt chaotic. However, I cleaned out the trunk of my car from items leftover from a pantry clean out(From months ago). After driving around in my trunk for a few months I rememberedto stop by the local pantry and donate the box and other items.

3. Thai Bodywork practice

Had a gig scheduled this week that was unfortunately cancled due to illness.....but it's something.

4. Self Advocacy/Marketing

Making and printing a few invite cards with a QR code to whatsapp for announcements and updates. This is really needed for my gig at Miller, where I don't have a way to directly communicate with students in case I'm ever sick and/or class is cancled. I also am going to leave them at the yoga studios where I teach.

5. Cambodia Preparations

I'm Halfway through the book "first they killed my father." To say it's heavy is an understatement. It's giving me emotional reactions to a story of a child’s survival of the genocide in 1975-79. .....